You’re closer to “being there” than you think

This is my theory but I’m sticking with it. For today at least.

To all of you out there who are either A) scratching your heads wondering ‘What do I do now?” or B) you’ve been making steps toward something new and great for your life but you may feel like you’re dancing in place (or banging v. sore head), consider this:

You already have most of what you need to be that person or get to that place or create that dream career.

It’s just perspective. And making tiny action steps or teeny shifts to start moving along the path.

Try this as an exercise.

Get a piece of paper and draw a scale from 1 – 10. Then think of something you want. It may be a new job or a happier attitude or starting your dream biz after getting laid off.

So take your scale, and assess where you feel you are today on a scale from 1 to 10.

1 _______________________________________ 10

Then think about where you’d like to be on this scale at the end of a given amount of time that works for you – 3 months, 6 months, a year. Your call. Change can take years but you may be willing to break down parts of it over time. Again, make this yours.

Now, start imagining yourself being one very small step up the scale. So if you start at a 3, imagine it’s a month from now and you’ve moved up to a 4. Close your eyes or stare out the window or whatever gets you relaxed and creative and just imagine, pretend, envision what you might be doing one month from now that got you one tiny step closer to your desire and what you might have done to get there (i.e., joined a social networking platform, wrote two blog entries, fluffed up your resume, started a practice of forgiveness toward everyone who’s ever pissed you off).

And keep repeating. Just keep working your way up the scale until you’re where you’d like to be in a given amount of time.

What you have is a time frame and a to-do list built inside a framework and imagination that came from you, and not someone else.

(Time for an aside here and THIS IS IMPORTANT: When listening to how others got there, or reading books, or being open to taking advice from people remember that when people put their way of doing it onto you, this isn’t always very valuable in making important life changes. Change comes from within. Just know that, so if someone else’s way doesn’t work for you, you are not a loser, you just work better with another system.)

Don’t forget that these tiny actions and shifts can be fun.

Change often means reaching out to new people and putting yourself in new streams of people. So think of ways you can make these action items steps appealing: more dinners, social gatherings, starting up a group around an activity you love.

Really watch out for “shoulds.” Everytime you hear yourself say “I really should…” think twice, and see how you can change that into “I really want …”

Think about what you can do to put yourself around Your People, the kind of folks who inspire you, motivate you and are on a similar path. Loneliness sucks!

This is about exploring but it’s also about making a commitment to yourself and your life.

And you will often, in your discoveries, keep returning home to yourself.

You may discover that getting what you want takes a combination of courage, risk, support and also realizing the gifts and resources and experience you already have.

Enjoy the adventure. Make the commitment. Commitment is freedom.

Relish in discovering you have everything you need to get to where you want to go. Wherever that is. If you really, really, really want it, it’s possible.

And if you get scared along the way, make sure you let Your People cheer you on when your gremlin starts hissing or you hit those walls of doubt.

If you stick with it and have the right support structures and people in place you’ll get there.

Then you can help others do the same.

I don’t want to give the impression this is easy work. This is the work of courage, persistence and imagination. But as we all know by now, nothing really great comes without a trail of good effort and dedication behind us.

Happy travels and enjoy what you discover as you get there.

Technorati Tags: Life change,coaching,career,self discovery,having fun,transitions,finding your people

You, Your Voice and the Blogging Adventure

I gave my first blog-shop this past Friday. The seven clever and creative indie biz folks who showed up had questions about finding or developing their blogging voice.

Here’s my take on Voice:

You already have a voice.

 

Now, the best way to find it and develop it and solidify it—as a writer and blogger—is to write. Once you start writing and flexing and honing and toning, you’re on your way. Of course, it also helps to know what values and purpose are going to stand behind your blog. But even if you brainstorm a good raison d’etre list, the focus may shift and flex a bit as the life of your blog takes off. 

Can it be scary and breath-stopping and oh-shit-ifying? Absolutely. But that’s part of the excitement!

And all of this scary excitement is the fantastic fall-out from the discoveries and surprises you make along the way as you write. Many people write without being able to see past the fog lights, i.e., without knowing exactly what is going to unfold. SURPRISE!

The benefit of starting out and being open to where you may end up, is that you allow the writer to go on an exploration with you. When a reader gets let in on experiencing the discoveries with the writers, well that is juice, juice and more juice. I.E., reader like!

Freeform writing isn’t everyone’s thing. Some people like an outline structure. Others know where they’ll end the moment they start writing. I can’t relate to this, because I work at a different frequency.

I’m the explorer writer. And I do really want to encourage the exploration and discovery side here, because blogs are logs of experience which allows a writer to put out a statement and then enjoy the trip of exploring that idea.

And if the ego side of you—think of a stern judge who doesn’t like change—starts whispering messages like “you can’t do it; this SUCKS,” just smile at the judge and keep writing. I use a little speed writing to help me scurry pass this monkey mind.

 

If you feel really stuck and pissy, write into the pissy-ness, e.g.: write about how horrible or boring or ungraceful you feel and I promise, you’ll pop out of it. Give yourself free reign to do and say anything when you’re writing your “shitty first draft,” as Anne Lamont calls it.

For example,  I have a line in a poem that came from writing into my judgment and it goes something like: “And when your poem starts to sound like German instructional copy,”—and  I kept it in there.

And if—or should I say when you start asking yourself, Why would anyone want to read what I have to say when millions of people may be writing and talking about this very topic?

Answer: Because you are the only person on earth with your distinct voice.

With this in mind, blogs are a great place to unleash an idiosyncrasy, an eccentric viewpoint or whatever you have kept in the closet that only comes out at party times or with your closest friends. (I’m assuming we all understand appropriateness and context here). How much you reveal is up to you. But think about the qualities that are super unique to you and your POV and work it, baby.

What else helps with voice? Reading!

Find other blogs and read and read and rip off the elements you like. Not word-for-for of course, but find someone you can learn from, a blog that is written in a style supportive to what you’d like to do. And use that as your model or mentor. It could be the way the writer uses everyday language, or writes in short paragraphs, or is funny or casual. Trust me, everyone else is doing copy-catting. How else do we learn?

You’ll know you’ve found a mentor blog when you come upon one that rings true to you at a deep level, like when you meet a friend that speaks you language. Blog mentors will probably change and rotate over time. And, they may go from mentors to colleagues, also.

And don’t worry: You will not lose your voice and sound like someone else. It is impossible to lose your voice, especially if you anchor yourself by writing about topics you really care about. Especially if the topics support your blog’s goal-at-large (which may be how you and your business can help your chosen people).

Then there’s Just Doing It. Write, explore, play—try this topic on, a new way of writing a blog (in the voice of a character, or as a Q&A), take some risks, experiment, have some laughs.

You probably won’t have hundreds of readers at the beginning so it’s the perfect time to relax and play. If you feel really super tentative, you can keep your blog on the low-down (even anonymous, or just tell a few friends) while you steady your writing hand. There aren’t that many rules!

Your blog, like your writing, is going to be a work in progress. Enjoy the process—savor it, roll around in it and share what you’re discovering with others.

Also, your writing and blogging is going to be influenced by the ongoing art and craft of just writing, along with the people you meet, current events, trends that matter to you, new discoveries, technology twists and turns, what you had for dinner or lunch, how much sleep you had, how fast you ran, hard you worked out—in short, a little bit of everything. Honor this and indulge in it.

Most importantly: have fun in your discoveries.

Eat dirt and write

Technorati Tags: Writing,coaching,blogging,learning,voice,writing tips,Anne Lamont,monkey mind,speed writing

The Pandemic of Monkey Mind and Its Cures

The Great Swine Flu Scare of 2009 came up today in a blog-shop I gave for some really fantastic, brilliant people.

We were laughing and rolling our eyes at this false epidemic and how the whistle blowers were now probably blushing and hiding in their rabbit holes while promising a return of the Real Killer Flu next year.

All this brings me to monkey mind.

Monkey mind--like I have to tell any of you--is the language your mind makes that puts you into the state of f*#cked-upness. Think: Freaked out, scared, hyperventilating, running through the streets still wet from the shower you fled because the boogie-men were chasing you ... until you find yourself in the middle of a quiet street on a May afternoon and ... nothing. Just the sounds of birds chirping.

The monkeys sure are laughing. And hard, too.

Blush. Followed by days of self-flagellation, the hair shirt, embarrassment, etc etc.

Getting to the point of this monkey business

We, the public, can really let the daily media inflame this massive national-global monkey mind.

Start with the economy and the recession. Sure things suck. I know it first hand. I lost my job, too. (I have to ask: Why do we use the word "lost" when it's so far from the truth? It was taken from us. When I explained the idea of job loss to my nine-year-old nephew, he innocently asked, "But what if the people don't want to go?").

And so. We have our scary-ass Depression thing going on and the Swine flu uproar which reminds me of the alarm instigated by the terrorist color panel alerts that came in the wake of the horrible Twin Towers bombing.

What on earth is a citizen to do when the people on the news and our elected government officials tell us we're at a very high red-alert five-star danger state for a terrorist attack?

But back to the present, where the economy still stinks, gas prices are rising but a few news wisps suggest the recession just may be bottoming out and on the way out, despite some recent big-company layoffs. And the Killer Flu Pandemic is on hold until Winter 2010.

You know what I wish? I wish we Americans allowed for and supported the kind of leader who could respond to Flu news and other hysteria without covering his ass and instead just say "Ok, everyone just pipe down. Wash your hands, be careful but let's not make a mountain out of a molehill." It seems we, the voting public, can support the idea of visionary leadership in a campaign but when the person is elected, the state of affairs returns to ass-coverage. Work has a lot of this too.

Back to the point of monkey mind--and there is a point

Don't be part of the monkey mind!

Even if things are really really hard. Don't walk around paralyzed and wired and uncreative and depressed; don't seek out downer conversation and if you do want to talk about the state of affairs, throw some creative solutions and opportunity thoughts in there. And everytime a bank gets stressed tested or the market falls, don't keep your family home for dinner or forego buying a new book at your local bookstore--keep one more small business in business.

And everytime you get a stuffy nose and sore throat do not re-write your will. Drink water and go to bed early.

The more we are talked into--no, scared into--believing that our future is on a really horrible and despairing and frightening path, the more we make it so. All of us, together, in our oozing monkey mind of doom.

And part of this vicious cycle may be part of a story-telling principle: TROUBLE MAKES A GOOD STORY. This is creative writing 101. And because the media is a business that needs stories that sell, the more trouble and rife and drama--the better. Especially when the media has to get our challenged attention spans and sell news and stay in business. And I knew it's cool to disdain the media but that is just so unimaginative. The media are people too, so.

What if we agreed to just read and listened ot the news media, and when things get hysterical we can nod our heads at it the way parents do when young children scream--because that's what children do--and move on?

Here are some suggestions to relieve monkey mind:

Art: Whatever it is that does it for you, put yourself in front of your favorite artforms as often as possible. Even if it's bringing up some artwork on the Web and staring at it for a few minutes and reading about what the artist went through to do the work (talk about good troubling stories!).

Nature: I find when I am out walking or running and I see this amazingly graceful tree trunk with a flurry of pink blossoms on top like it just walked out of the hair-tree salon, there I am--MIRACULOUSLY--in a state of awe. No problems in the world for a few moments. Nature doesn't know about recessions and wars and heartbreak. It is there for the beautiful taking and a relief from ourselves.

Community: Put yourself in the good company of people you love who remind you why this life is worth every single solitary beautiful horrible struggling challenging step. Hang out with people who can laugh at themselves and know how to give really good deep hugs.

Ask some fruitful questions: Recessions are quiet times. Like sabbaticals. These are opportune times to get to know yourself anew, and assess how you might like going forward in your life on this planet within your community.

And ask yourself: What are the things that makes life worth living?

Art: Pablo Picasso's "Spain" (top) and Marc Chagall's "Woman and the Roses", bottom. Both men had their own beautiful creative ways to deal with monkey mind.

What would you do if you could not fail?

Thanks to Liz for sending me an email with this fruitful question:

What would you do if you could not fail?

These days I finding myself coaching people who are wondering about their Careers. And at the root of their career questions there is often one commonality: How can I make the leap to do the type of work I really, really, really want?

Last night I was coaching someone who realized not only is she wired and gifted to do the work she really, really wants--but she's done it and been successful.

Another thing people are discovering (and I'm lucky enough to witness it) is: They succeed at doing what is fulfilling to them when they do what they like.

Because, and this is my opinion, that which we like we like because we are gifted in doing that.

Otherwise, it's swimming upstream.

This morning I met some Masters swim group pals for coffee and we talked. One thing we talked about was how sometimes in looking for What We Want to Do, we discover we're already doing it--at least a part of it, or if we aren't quite there we're really close.

So the questions to get to a more fulfilling yummy place could be:
What do I need to do to move further up the scale of achieving my Great Life?
Let's say, if the scale goes from 1 to 10 and you're at, say, a 7 or an 8 and you want to be at a 9 or 10. What is one teeny-tiny action or shift you can make that can lead to getting closer to who you want to be?

What tiny teeny action or conversation shift or internal attitude change might happen if you believed you could not fail in anything in the next week?

Especially if you were doing things you liked (and you were not hurting people, etc etc)?

Who do we become if we aren't weighed down--or motivated by--fear? I see wings growing from our backs and crowds of smiling peaceful faces.

Have fun succeeding in getting closer to doing what you really, really WANT to do!

What's the deal with Mondays?

As I was swimming this morning, in a lane all by myself, I was wondering about the pre-Monday blues.

Why do so many of us get this Sunday evening surge of anxiety?

I get it and I don't even have a j-j-Job to go to. Which could be part of the reason. Who knows! But I've had it in a j-j-Job, working as my own boss, or being a vacationing slacker. The Monday Thing appears to have no favorites.

And in preparation for Monday, I always have to get my wits about me, as in: have a super mellow Sunday afternoon-eve to prepare for my week ahead. In some ways it feels like my emotional core is saying "Don't move. Stay very still, almost comotose and don't go anywhere, don't speak to anyone new because I have to get very, very mellow in order to deal with the week ahead. Oy. Shhhh!"

And then there's a far-away cry from some other inner being that has her eyes closed and fists pressed closely to her chest and is screaming bloody murder: "Oh no another Monday. Oh noooo!"

(I just thought of "Mr. Bill" from old SNLs)

In short, I wonder what kind of message I'm sending myself when I go: "Oh shit we gotta hunker down Sunday! Another week incoming. Get out the bath salts and hard hat."

I mean jeepers, Monday is just another day. Right? Yeah, I didn't buy it either.

So. Why does Monday have to be that tense first day of another week in which we count down the hours until Friday, at which point we hurdle ourselves into two frenzied days of socializing and family time and a little sleeping in and sports and naps and chores and yard work and errands and then...

.... It's 4pm Sunday. Do you know where your serenity is?

I have nothing new to say here except: Four day work weeks, for one. However, staying on topic...

Let's do some accepting here. Part of this Monday windup might be the reality of time--and our cycles. Our lives happen to be made up of a cycle of weeks. The common question is: "What are you up to this week?" We plan around our weeks, and yes, sometimes months when we're super busy which most of us are. But we start first with weeks.

So what if weeks rule as the predominant daily-life cycle of time. Are we getting closer to explaining this phenom?

Let's say we pace ourselves around a cycle of weeks, and it's a form of calendrical breathing. Innnnn (Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursdsay) Ouuuuut (Friday Saturday Sunday).

And the fact that anyone wants to be quiet and mellow and store up for the week ahead makes sense.

But this morning, for whatever reason, I was asking myself about the way I sometime sleep restlessly on Sunday nights. Could I spin Sunday anticipation as the excitement and adrenaline spiking over the surprises that could come out of the next cycle of seven days? Mhmm.

Of course, sometimes Monday is a simple return to a challenging period of time, and that's that. And challenges do pass with a series of weeks and Sundays and Mondays. And all we can do in the meantime is be super gentle and compassionate towards ourselves and whisper a lot of sweet nothings in our ears. And eat something delicious Sunday night with our favorite people.

And go for a walk. Or watch a favorite old comfort-food movie. With said food.

Sunday evening walks with someone you really, really like will really, really help.

Quick Monday lessons: Once I had a job where I just attacked Mondays. Got up hungry, pumping my arms all the way to work, going Grrrr, I'll show that Monday who's boss. I was practically salivating in a swirl of papers and running down the hallways to meetings.

I showed that Monday! I stayed at work late, got so much done I could almost take it easy the rest of the week.

But then: I was toast the rest of the week. I started out too fast (if you've ever done that in a sports event or race you know how sucky and even embarrassing it is). I finally learned to ease into the week. Pace myself.

Now, I make Monday an "easy" day. No heroics. Just show up and gently do my best. No big accomplishments allowed. If I wake up and get out of bed and show up somewhere for something, that's enough.

And on Sunday I'll do something like go for a trail run with friends and try to find someone to have dinner with and go for a walk and be super gentle and easy with myself--reminding myself over and over: Monday is an easy day. Easy, you just have to breathe. Easy.

And now, to honor the gentle beauty of Mondays, read this beautiful story. With pictures. And meaning and humor.

TGIM!

My niece, Taya, and her dad, on a family vacation in Scottsdale. It must have been a Monday!

How To Overcome Your Inner Gollum

How do you stay on track with Big Thinking? For starters, it means staring down your inner gollum or gremlin. At least that's what went down with me this past week. Gollum, gremlin, boogie-man, nay-sayer--any of these names can represent that voice or persona inside you that keeps you from being or doing what you dream of when you dare to think big.

I, for one, have a gollum girl. I met her one night in a dream. In this dream I was given an unreal fantastic opportunity to do something. But before I went off with the initiator of this opportunity, my Gollum Girl was crouched down in the corner showing me her fangs and hissing out a "Don't Even Think About It."

My G.G. gets her name from the second Lord of the Rings movie. My favorite part of the movie is when gollum and his better self Sméagol have a little back-and-forth interior battle that goes something like this: "Master goooood, master goooood; no master baaaaad, master baaaAAAd!" Do I even need to explain how just right-on this is, in capturing that inner nay-saying boogie-man?

So, this past week I got to face my gollum*! Hooray for opportunities. (That's the voice of my Stupid, Positive Self--and that negative adjective was the voice of my gollum self.) See how sneaky?

*Truth is, my gollum shows up every day at some point. Pest. So. I had a lot of Gollum Girl visitations this week--a settling in of that rhapsodic voice whispering many seductive versions of "no."

Versions of No sound like this: "Uh-oh, what have you got yourself into?" "I'll never make a living again." "It's too late, I'm doomed to failure!" "You'll never Make It." "Give that dream up, it's unrealistic." "Here you are again, out of work, a student, all aloooone in the world."

In the Gollum vs. Smeagol face-off Voices of No went like this: "Master's our friend." "You don't have any friends, nobody likes you." Here's a little scene of how the good Smeagol fights off his Gollum.*

*I have to say straight up I am not a big Lord of Rings fan but a big fan of this aspect of the story. And the fact I have to note this shows my gollum is present whispering, you better cover your ass girl!

So, it's been a week with all that gollum bullshit.

So what do you do when your gollum or gremlin shows up overtime?

"Master bad," your gollum may whispering--to you, about you.

Ruh-roh, trouble incoming. Photo courtesy Gage Skidmore.

And you may fight back with a mild, "No, Master gooooood. Has lots of friendses."

"Master good!" he insists.

Stop it right now. Don't feed the gollum beast. Don't engage, don't enter conversation and if you do keep it short. As short as possible.

Next, just see how unwise this creature looks. If you were to conjure up a face or a physical identity for your gollum/gremlin voice what would it look like? I bet it's not the kind of person or thing you'd approach in the grocery store to ask about picking out the perfectly ripe mellon. No, you'd probably just notice it and move on.

Thinking big could be moving past the gollum/gremlin voices by facing them down. Shine a light of recognition on a gollum when it shows up that says, "You are so busted. Now go to your room!" Then move on. Quickly, the same way you'd move past the crazy lady talking to herself in the grocery store.

And start putting your whole attention on what you really really really want as crazy as you may think it is. And if you find yourself thinking it's "crazy" that may be a bit of "master bad" creeping in there.

What else is a gremlin/gollum-busting version of THINKING BIG?

Here's something that tells us just how uncool it is to be self-deprecating and small-acting. Much wiser than anything I can offer. It's my Marianne Williamson.

Read on and enjoy living in your Big Thinking today:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory that is within us. As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Written by Marianne Williamson, and read by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 Inaugural Speech.

For a fun read on Gremlins, and taming them check out this book.

When you're tired of trying so hard and still trying to Make It

Something occurred to me the other night as I caught myself in a little existential tangle.

I'm still trying to make something of myself. And it's getting pretty exhausting.

And then something else occurred to me: Here I am, squat in midlife and still trying to make something of my life--as though I'm 21 years old and leaping into the jungles of New York City to ... make something of my life.

And in that moment of catching myself here--still struggling, struggling, struggling to Make It, something in me caved in, like a lousy roof under a bunch of mud. But then there was a bit of light and clarity.

I realized I was tired and full of self doubt when I held this framework of trying really hard to make the most of everything in this Second Half of life.

I mean, groooan, no wonder the roof caved in, right?

And then I started asking myself some good fruitful questions:

Let's say I already had made something of my life and myself.

Then how would I live? What would it feel like going through my days having already made something of myself, with nothing else to prove to anyone or myself but to live in a way that supports my highest values like Freedom, Creativity, Love, Physical Activity, Nature, Playfulness and a few others I'm forgetting.

Maybe I wouldn't feel so "ate up," as my brother, Michael would put it. I shouldn't have to explain that saying because it is what it sounds like. Just "ate up" -- sick and freakin' tired.

But "ate up" can lead to being bitter and resentful and nasty and chip-on-shouldery and that is not an option here. None of these makes my values list although some days I want to soak myself in a nasty-ass sulk marinade for hours on end.

So the last couple days I've been wondering how it would be to retire from trying to make something of myself and replace that with just trying to live my values and pretend I'm retired from "Making It."

Now don't get me wrong, I like hard work. But there is good hard fruitful inspired work and there is trudging hard laborious proving-to-the-world-you're-earning-your-keep work. We know the difference too, anyone can feel it in his heart, but sometimes it's hard to get off that treadmill. I have to admit to a deep down mysterious fear that if I let down my guard for five minutes and don't throw a lot of what looks like good hard work/effort/trudgery at something, the slits in my couch will suck me up for eternity. Poof! Gone just like that.

So. Don't work it so hard. Live like you've already Made It. Remember the values and make those your Life-Work goals to hit. Them's my learnings.

Oh, PS: I just got an email message from "The Biggest Loser" as I was writing this. There's a kismet-y connection here, there is.

But I'm not going to figure it out, I have some relaxin' to do.